These are my pants. They are ranting.

Can I survive on $9.34?

I hate how undisciplined I am at basically everything.   Diet, exercise, keeping my room clean, sometimes work, ok, mosttimes work, travel -- everything.  MONEY is the kicker.   See, going to the pub last night with my last 40 bucks.   When really I could have just kept it, gone home, not drank too much, and then I'd have 49 bucks to last me through the weekend/next week.  God this is painful.  Always. 

Luckily, I have a wedding to go to this weekend.   That means some free food.   Other than that, I'm dangling in the wind like a ballhair in a hurricane.

Fucking idiots are paid more than I

Wouldn't you think that someone in a public facing role like media relations wouldn't say something as fucking STUPID as:

"So alls I'm saying is"

And by the way, she talks just like that fucking big sister with the braces on fucking South Park. 

I want to kill her.   DIE.

Tomkitten?! Come the FUCK on

ok media retards.  I heard bennifer and thought that was dumber than a wet bag of pubes, but I dealt with it - it didn't make me want to honk in my own bed and sleep in it.  I heard Brangelina and I thought "that cocksucker deserves a stupid moniker, he's gotten away with being mistakenly called hot this long, now let's totally immasculate him with one of the stupidest name combos ever".  When I heard "TomKat" I cringed insides with every little vein and capilary I own.  tomkat sounds like an oversexed egomaniacal napoleon complexed "I never left the frat house except to buy more chef boyardee microwavable meatballs because that's what I ate at home" manchild.  And really, doesn't Katie Holmes deserve better?  The worst kick in the cunt is that now they're saying TomKitten.  Gag my asshole with a lead pipe why don't you.   Some lonely housewives latched on to Bennifer, to Brangelina, to TomKat.  Ok, it stuck.  But is anyone other than you going to utter the words "Tomkitten" outloud in reference to the alien spawn... that will no doubt be too short and toothy for love?  fucking seriously.  I can barely type it it's so incredibly defective and embarassing.

TOMKITTEN!?!  Come the fuck on.

Apparently, when I'm stressed out and I can't sleep, I post.  Angrily.  And nonsensicly.  But not as non-sensically as a stupid fucking mishmosh toilet part scooter marathon like "TomKitten".

I hate kiss asses

Everyone wipes their ass at some point, last I heard - unless you have someone wipe it for you because you're physically unable.  Thus, I treat everyone the same, as if everyone has had breakthrough at one time in their lives.  Why do other people treat executives like they're fucking the biggest most brillant diamonds ever?  Why are there so many YES people that perpetuate this ridiculous heirarchy of entitlment?  Guess what, you got to where you are because you knew the right people and maybe because you fucked the president or maybe because you fucked an assistant, because everyone knows, to get anywhere, you need to butt fuck the assistant.  I hate when I see people suck up.  I hate when I see the "oh yes yes yes, whatever you want" kiss dick attitude.  It's embarrassing, I hate it, and you will never EVER see me do it.  I seriously do not give a shit.  I will work in a shit position.  I will work as a fucking drawbridge operator if I have to in order to avoid kissing ass ever.  And hey, guess what, I don't want to be told to just play the game - because that's not a fucking game I'm interested in.  I fucking HATE ass kissers. 

And executives fucking love it.  So we'll always be led by a fucking shitnosed hierarchy of bloody farts.

Paging Darwin. Darwin? Are you there?

How have some of these people survived this long being this stupid.  I used to believe in my heart of hearts that I wouldn't have to freakin deal with total fucking imbeciles because

1. Where I work, it's supposed to be the best of the best
2. Darwin would either have idiot fired or slain by a flying cafeteria tray
3. I would be relocated because I would have assaulted one of these such imbeciles.

But none of this has happened?  Only the strong shall survive?  Please.  The weakest will rule. 

And we're allllll FUCKED.

Red means GO!

Do cyclists in nyc not have to obey traffic laws?  I got hit by a bike today.  The light was a hard red and this mother fucker zipped right through, hitting my awesome sack and arm holding it so that they were flung up and around my back/shoulder.  I nearly had a heart attack and grabbed at the opportunity to exercise my curse dictionary.  If he had damaged my sack I would have chased him down.  But as it was, I had tinkled a little and had to calm my racing heart. 

Lucky him.

Stupid fucker.

Wow. You are dumb.

According to some nameless face out there in the ether, I am not smart.   Yup, I got my first ever "wow, you're dumb" comment.  And it all revolves around not liking the Rolling Stones.  What is this world coming to, I wonder.  When you have to insult someone from behind your glowing computer screen with "wow, you're dumb."  And it's not even like I said I hate black people, or old people, or gave any views on abortion, capital punishment, labor laws, unfair hiring practices, or fetal alcohol syndrome.   I disagreed with the popularity of the Rolling Stones.

The worst part is, people have been encouraging me to post comments on different blogs similar to the Brooklyn Vegan to possibly get more exposure.  So I did.  Ok, and I'm not innocent, I snarked a little.  And That's what I get I guess.   Oh, then I left a comment on The Gothamist about some poor lady who got "wedged" underneath the wheel of a bus - more than likely because she was on her phone.  I left NOTHING inflamatory at all - and even there someone called me dumb.   Dumb! Because I was giving my opinion based on the context of the Gothamist post.   Dumb is the word of the day I suppose.   I wish only intellectual people read blogs.  You know the kind - they understand sarcasm, wit, and humor.  They're able to conduct a debate rather than slamming you in the vag with "you're dumb."   And right, I'm not supposed to care or let it bother me because it's just some assbag, probably some teenager who has big balls because of the anonymity of the internet.  But I'm human, and I have to be honest.  At the time I got hot in the face.

And for a moment I felt dumb.

Stupid people are getting smarter

So now we've got spam/viruses that appeal to our darker peeping Tom need to view someone else's account information.  And drug runners who surgically implant heroin into puppies.   Because who is going to suspect those little fuckers?  Poor little guys.

Wireless indeed

Ok, I know this is my fault -- but I did pay that stupid bill last night and they never reactivated my phone.   Hi, I can't find my home phone (which I rarely use anyway and am about to get rid of) so this is my only way of contacting anyone.  I call them and they first thing they say is "this shows as reconnected".   Dicks, I don't care what it shows, fucking I can NOT call or RECEIVE CALLS!

Augh.  What a mess.   I'm going to go see what the oven looks like inside now.

Kidding.  Kidding!

Lime, it's nature's breath freshener

Is it english people, finance people or both?  Seriously..  I was waiting at the stamford train station when a group of people came up behind me and started their idle chatter about tax free week.  They were very close to me.  Ok, I know we all need to get on the train , but please remember I have personal space and I sure as nuts on a squirrel do not need your wool clad arm sporadically nudging my elbow with a bop bop bop.   They were joined by their furry friend in a cabbie hat and some weird wooly vest.   He regalled them with stories of working from midotwn vs working from stamford (believe me, I was so intrigued).  At one point, in a very stereotypicall english way, one of the englishmen declared "Facists!" and I do believe he spit while he said it.  This was in reference to tax free week and VAT taxes, and is it tax free if you buy online.  The only american of the bunch grabbed from her cotton ball mind that if you order online there is no tax.  Yes, sister, that's right, the internet shopping experience isn't governed by those crazy laws of commerce!   It's fair fucks to everyone!  Whooooohooo!!  Idiot.

They stood around me.  Two of them were on either side of my backpack, and if I could draw a diagram I would, maybe I will.  They stood there, talking over my backpack and around my backpack and sporadically nudging me over and over and over.  I was doing my usual 8 year old shuffle.  You know the one, right foot in, lightly kick inside of left ankle.   Right foot back in place.  Left foot in , gently kick right ankle, left foot back, and repeat until train, car, beer arrives.  My shuffle had a two tiered effect. 1- it kept me warm.  2- I was biffing the sex pistols with my pack every time I replaced a foot.   It didn't do the trick, and maybe they even liked it because they never backed off!!!

Anyway, the train arrives and as I step forward, Mr. "I was on the trading floor allll day yesterday" steps directly infront of me (and I'm practically dangling off the platform as it is) in his Navy wool blazer type coat so that I ram my face right into his back.  He had to talk OVER my head to inform his rude british bunch "THERE ARE A TON OF SEATS!"  Then what's the fucking rush?  Why the me me me?  I wish he had been rushing to jump off the platform onto the 3rd rail. 

I'm tired and I was in the mood for a lightshow.

Apologies to my english pals.  I'm sure my people piss your ass off, too.