These are my pants. They are ranting.

That sounded like shit, was that you?

"Hey was that you doing {insert activity here]" - fellow employee

"hell no" - me, insulted that someone would think I would commit such a lame piece of work

"Oh, well I thought it was quite good, so I meant it as a compliment" - douchebag fellow employee whose opinion I don't respect anyway so it's not THAT insulting

You can't compliment someone on something they haven't done. 

Put that in your turd and burgle it.

Overheard at the corporate wateringhole

"it's just not my type of humor. and I don't like that a picture of me with peoples' hands in my mouth gets sent to all of the team's mailing list"

low low low

I've had to be really high energy this week and I think I'm feeling the flip side funk from it today.   I could barely get out of bed this morning.   And now, I'm into work, but I really just want to clean my apartment since I won't be here all weekend.  Fun drama around the apartment too, by the way.   I'll be more than likely looking for a replacement in the coming 1-2 months.   Anyway, as you can see, I have a lot more than transfats and my love for anything not found in nature on my mind and I think it's taking its toll.    I really haven't been in contact with the boy enough -- or at least to my preference -- due to his new job.    Sucks.   And duh, before anyone accuses me of not being understanding, that's not the case at all.  I'm extremely proud of him and i want him to be so happy.   It's just an adjustment, that's all.    No email contact throughout the day and basically no phone contact.   I know he'll find his groove.   Maybe he'll get some crazy phone that he can use to email me when he sees a really stinky street guy, or people leaving the methadone clinic, or grafitti, or poop.

I WANT MY TRANS FATS

Ok, WHAT the FUCK.

I moved out of my parents house so that I could make my own decisions about my body, health, mind, and vagina.   As an adult, I expect to be trusted to make decisions that are in my best interests, and if I don't, the consequences are mine to absorb.    This should be an accepted practice by all adults all around the world.   So why the fuck does NYC think they can ban trans fat foods?

http://www.cnn.com/2006/HEALTH/09/26/trans.fat.ban.ap/index.html

I understand banning smoking - because, hello, when you smoke you're harming yourself and OTHERS.  When I'm eating my weight in french fries and KFC, fuck yeah I'm hurting myself, but I don't see anyone else going in for a massive tripple bypass while I gorge myself. 

Am I right?  I'm fucking right.   I can tell you right now that I will be organizing a fucking PROTEST if they ban transfat foods.   FUCK you health organizations!   If I'm hungover I want my blue cheese bacon cheese burger with a side of god damn slippery slidey FRIES - NOT side of tofu turds or celery stalks.

CUNTS!!!

Some people just can't please me

Really.   I sort of feel bad for them, because I can see they're trying - but there is something really hateful about people who really do not have an independent brain in their skulls.   If you're going to be an intellectual snob, please, BE that way, and be comfortable enough to be true to yourself and not be one of those creepy cameleon people who try to be all things to all people (maybe) just so that they'll be better accepted.   I'm an ass.   A total ass.   I can be abrasive.  I'm opinionated.    I can also be very quiet and listen- instead of being mouthy.   However, not one of those pieces of my personality is to be liked or be accepted by anyone else.  It's all me, just at different degrees.

Maybe I just don't like passive people.   Yup, that's definitely it.  Wishy washy indecision makes me want to vomit.   But being unable to stick up for what you really do believe or stand up for an idea that maybe you do think rocks... that irks me.   I bristle.   Even if you say "ok, we'll do it your way, but I want you to know it's not what I think is the best way" - you're ok in my book -- because it's still sticking to your own guts.   I'm frustrated today.   I don't know what it's like to be a simp and I find myself surrounded by a lot of simps.

Crazy mixed up salt!

One of my favorite memories (well, one that isn't clouded by alcohol) is of Crazy Mixed up Salt.   I had a roommate, her name was Jen, and she had this wonderful salty concoction.  And everytime she used it, I whipped out my deformed old redneck voice impression and would holler:

"CRaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy Mixedupsalt!"

I think that CMUS (note the acronym usage, very time saving) is actually myself as a sprinkly condiment.  I could be salt, pepper, garlic, a green flaky herb... either one of those any day.   Today for example, I feel very Crazy Mixed up.    The boy has his first day of work today and I am so proud of him.   I am happy and excited for him, but I'm weirded out at the same time.  He won't have a ton of access to email during the day so we won't be able to keep in touch with snippets.   I liked that connection throughout the day.   His hours may be different as he's covering territory in lower Manhattan and Brooklyn - so will I see him less.

It's all about me, right?   Well it kind of is.    Change does freak me out.  I have a touch of Asperger's I really do think.   When plans change that I set in my head (but didn't share with anyone else) I freak out a little.  And now I have to get new habits.   My contact with the boy daily is going to change dramatically.   The way we see each other in the after school hours will change too because I know he doesn't want to slack at work and he wants to give this his best effort.   

It's just weird.   I'm nervous.   And I'm envious too.  How exciting to start something new and completely different from what you've been up to.   

The Return of Buckethead

If you see one show in your lifetime or say, in the next year, see "The Return of Buckethead".   It was a sensory experience.   I don't want to ruin it for you, so I'll just say that it was a funky combination of haunted house, breakdancing, a man dressed as a giraffe, the longest fingers I have ever seen on a man (?), a drummer that may or may not shave your skin off after the show and eat it, was that the Primus guy?, images delivered live and direct from the backwoods of your worst nightmare.. and buckethead himself - a uniquely talented fellow.   I can't describe how good it was, mainly because I'm still wrestling with lack of sleep and possibly a hangover... BUT I am not someone who likes to stay out til 4.   Last night, the boy and I hung in until almost the end, which was past 2:30am.   When we left BB Kings, I could barely stand, my eyes had to be propped open with toothpicks, and my mouth felt like I had french kissed an elephant's ass (could be a side effect of the Red Bull and vodkas we sucked down before the show), but I felt goooooood.   My mind was satisfied from being pummeled in every sensory receptor by my new boyfriend:

Buckethead.

Next week begins the healthy beaver

I have been totally self destructive lately.   This week has been bad.   I've probably eaten the shittiest and drank the most in a while.    And I feel REALLY run down.   I want to feel better, less fat, and not like a fucking alcoholic!

This week has been great fun, don't get me wrong, but I need a little cleansing.   Maybe I'll start with this weekend.

Sweet 30

Tell me if you think this is outrageous (and really, I may think it's realistic only because I'm delirious with E.coli) but... I want an arena.

Yes, an arena.   Like a football field with a huge Jumbotron.  Eat hotdogs, drink beer, watch a movie.  eat nachos.  Play games or something.

In an arena, people!!!   

If you know anyone who owns a football field or arena of any sort, let me know if they're interested in lending it out in February for a day/night.   I'm totally serious.

Not you, too, spinach!

First Pluto, now spinach.  It's like all of my childhood heroes are leaving me.   Next they're going to say that Abe Lincoln was a serial cat raper and beavers are actually carnivorous cattle ranchers.