These are my pants. They are ranting.

No no no, I KNOW someone who feels this way

eDon't you hate when it's VERY detectable that someone is telling you that ...

"_____ feels that if you [do this], you're part of the problem, but if you [do this] you're actually the better person as part of the solution" 

... they're actually telling you in a passive aggressive way how they'd like you to act with them.

did that make any sense?

My brain is so huge, look at my big brain

Not sure why people have to fall into that mode so much.   Sometimes, things don't need to be answered.   I like to practice that.   Because then, I always know when I controlled the situation, and when I didn't need to turn it into a petty semantic quibble.

And if you know me, I hate to quibble.

I pooped at the boy's house. FINALLY

That's right, dig it!  He was there, I told him I had to poop (because if there's a hairy turd in the middle of the room, I'm going to talk about it), and I pooped.

Now I'm all about disclosing my pooping events as well as the frequency.  I think it's something new for him to love about me.

heehaw.

Pizza, poop, and phones

Last night I fell off every wagon I was supposedly riding till my vacation in two weeks.  What wagons were those?   Well, I'll tell you:

• The pizza wagon: designed to help me lose weight and feel better about myself, the pizza wagon is the hardest wagon to stay on.  The simple scent of cooking cheese mingling with pepperoni invites the shakes and I usually see dead babies crawling on the ceiling when I've removed pizza from my life for one day.
• The alcohol wagon: not as hard to stay on as the pizza wagon, but one usually follows the other.  I see dining as a whole process, and that process includes a drink.  Oh fuck it, let's lay all the AA cards on the table - I see living as a process that includes the constant flow of wine.
• The phone throwing wagon: a rare wagon to ride.   Strangley, when falling off the alcohol wagon, I usually fall of the phone throwing wagon.   This wagon was designed to keep me connected to friends and family - because I don't own an address book and I'm also comforted when lonely by holding my phone - yes, I actually sleep with it when not sleeping with the boy.  Shut up.

Yes, bing bang bong, I fell of each of those wagons last night.

1. I ate pizza
2. I drank wine
3. I burped up plum tomatoes and plipped them into a water glass
4. I told the waiter I like to smoke weed
5. I then convinced him that my date and I were into fist fucking
6. I ate more pizza
7. I laughed at my date
8. I laughed at fantasia Barino
9. my date and I tried to pick a fight with our snatch ass table mate who kept scooting her purse away from my date as if she were a purse snatcher:
   "Oh my gosh, E Poop, I wonder if that skank knows that you have a night job as a pickpocket!" - me
   "Yeah! heehaw!" - my date
   "And I wonder if the guy next to me knows my night job is farting on flat planks of wood!" - me.  We were sitting picnic table style
10. I almost got lost when I discovered the Fulton subway stop was gated off
11. It looks like they're working on Ground Zero!
12. I smacked my phone on the railings in the subway... and people were staring... I also don't recall getting on the subway
13. I came home, threw my phone
14. I watched Terms of Endearment to focus on not honking.   Fucking, that movie is depressing
15. I just found my phone!

Wagons!

OH!

16.I gave my leftover pizza to the stinkiest homeless person ever.

Karr didn't do it- who told you first, bitches?

I did.

http://www.cnn.com/2006/LAW/08/28/ramsey.arrest/index.html

I knew it.  I'm a good eyereader.

do do do. doody

A friend of mine is a do-er. 

"dude, let's get sewing machines and make stuff" - me

"Yeah! let's do it!" - my friend.

Friend goes out, buys sewing machine, makes a hot dress and matching tie for husband.   

I still say I'm going to buy a sewing machine.

Rainy Days make me randy

I love rainy days.   Lots of people complain about the gloom and grey and loagy-ness that decend with a nice cool pre-autumn rain.   I celebrate it.   It smells good.   Rain on dirty pavement smells nice.   Tires moving on rainy pavement sounds good.   The breeze feels chilly and crispy on my skin.   The sound is a snuggly backdrop to the low TV mumble and my fingers on the keyboard.   It make me want to concentrate and dig in to whatever I'm at.  I love it.

Chelsea Handler killed a tiger?

I saw this headline today and I was shocked to see that my favorite girl, Chelsea Handler was being fingered as the person responsible for a tiger shooting:

"Handler blamed in zoo tiger shooting"

And then I read on and felt much better.   For Chelsea Handler, anyway.

Are you engaged yet?

Just ran into a "friend of the family" - which I put in quotes because she drives me absolutely nuts.

"I ran into your parents this weekend!" - her

"oh, that's nice" - me, a little irked with my parents right now.

"I asked them if you're still loving the city and they said yes" - her
"I asked them if you were still with the boy and they said yes" - her
"I asked them if you were engaged yet and they said no" - her, with a smirk.

I hate that shit.   I am that shit intolerant.   Go overplan your own stupid life.  Hey, you're happy with someone - you're still with someone - then duh, be engaged.  And like, if the answer is no, they make this face.  You know the face.  It's the "aw, how sad" face.  Or "aw, that relationship isn't going anywhere" face.   BLECH!!!!

I should have asked her if she had gotten attractive yet.  no.

Laguna Beach makes me stupider

But I can't stop watching.   I mean, at least last 2 seaons people didn't look at the cameras... and some people were attractive.   What's this girl? Kyndra?  Did she smoke 80 Luckies, drink a flask of whiskey and blow the devil before she started talking.  Holy whorebags.  And the boys?  Worse.  OK, granted, they're high school boys.  But they're not even close to eye candy like Stephen.  Well, Stephen with a tan, because let's not forget, college, pasty, a little fuller Stephen (and a huge wussbag Stephen) wasn't as attractive as pre-pubescent surfer tan Stephen.

Anyway, still watching, and getting dumber by the minute.